The other day, a friend asked me what's the nicest, most tactful way to tell his good friend that her dog is driving him nuts. He says her dogs are very badly behaved, completely out of control, are terrible beggars, and even jump in his lap and try to steal his food when they're sitting at the dinner table. And yet his friend does nothing. It's getting so bad he really doesn't want to visit her anymore, but he really likes his friend and doesn't want to hurt her feelings. In this case, I definitely consider myself fortunate to be in a position where people not only expect but pay me to tell them when their dogs need training. But what about someone who isn't a dog trainer? How should he or she handle this delicate situation? Darn, if ever there was an occasion for a Hallmark card, this is it! I really don't see this as much different than instances where you don't like a friend's spouse or significant other, kids, parents, etc. It's a sticky situation. He wondered if maybe buying her some dog training classes might be a nice way to do it. I don't know if there really is a nice way to go about this, though I do like that idea a lot. Not only would he be dropping a hint, but he's also showing her he cares enough to help her with the cost. But on the other hand, she might still be offended. After all, it's pretty much the same as buying a dust buster for someone to let her know her house is a mess! Plus, as we all know, people are real sensitive about their dogs, just as much, if not moreso, than they are about their kids. Even still, for me, the direct approach is always best. Simply, "hey, love you, but you're dogs are working my last nerve!" Delivered with a smile, of course. And then, an offer to buy some lessons and even attend with the friend would be icing on the cake. I figure if they're close enough, the friendship should survive this revelation. This did get me thinking of some other creative ways to drop a hint to a friend or family member that their dog's behavior is bothersome:
1) Tell her you found out you're allergic to her dog. No, not all dogs, just hers.
2) Every time her dog does something out of line, point and give the dog the CM "pssht." And I do mean every time. I guarantee before long, you'll start getting on her nerves.
3) Tell her you've given up her dogs for lent.
4) Buy her a bumper sticker that says, "My Dog Isn't Smarter than Your Pre-Schooler."
5) When together talk only about cats, cats, cats all day: how superior they are to dogs, how well behaved they are, how you like them so much better, and on and on. She'll either get the picture or she'll get you a cat!
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Do they want help in any way?
You could find out if there's anything that they themselves don't like about their dogs' behavior and then help them accomplish their own goal of fixing it (pay for it, for instance). You could even say, "I've been thinking about getting a dog, and I'm wondering how to deal with these situations, so I would pay for the training if you'd let me sit in on it." That way you'd be there to help and learn how to control the behavior so when you're visiting, it would be OK for you to do what you learn.
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doxienews.com
A delicate situation indeed.
A delicate situation indeed. :)
The majority of my friends are extremely dog intolerant to the point where having guests over is stressful enough that I don't enjoy company. They just expect my three giant dogs to go lay down in another room somewhere. If they are within a few feet of my guys they squeal, they raise their hands up in the air like a crook being caught and they have this look of disgust on their face. There is one particular guy who uses couch pillows, baby gates or any other props to keep the dogs from touching him. They have actually made my dog's behaviour worse and it's incredibly frustrating. If they only knew to ignore the attention seeking behaviours of my dogs instead of constantly reenforcing them. I could spend the entire time training my guests and it would still be of no help because they just aren't dog people or BIG DOG people. Big dogs are different as they take up that much more of your personal space. I'm sure if they read your blog I'd be the first person that comes to their mind. And the thing is I don't believe my dogs are all that bad. They just want to be acknowledged positively, with a good ol' scratch and they'd go chill at their feet. It is a bit insulting and alienating.
How about your friend takes you along the next time she goes over to the house for a visit. You could quietly observe the dogs while making new friends and afterwards based on what you saw give your annoyed friend training tips so at least the dogs won't be bugging her? If the owner sees your friend doing the training that s/he should be doing maybe that will open up a new way of thinking and THEN maybe your annoyed friend could suggest a great dog trainer.
how about wearing blacktop and white pants?
One of my partner's friends who comes into town a couple times a year and stays with us who likes dogs ... that act like stuffed animals...was blunt and let me know his pet peeves right off the bat.
We have 4 dogs and the occasional foster = 5. I preferred to know the truth.
Mind you he told me my dogs are well behaved, even so, I respect that he prefers to enjoy them from a distance.
I just adjust their daily routines accordingly when he visits. If he were a friend of mine, I would have him over when I've tuckered mine out and they are ready to chill. There's always a solution and way to work around a not so dog loving friend, us dog lovers just need to be in the know.
If this guy can't go the direct route, then how about something like....going over to her place wearing a black fleese or wool sweater that attracts pet hair, white pants and carry a coffee around while he's visiting... it's bound to be embarrassing to the dog owner to see their friend covered in a fur coat, wearing coffee on their pants if her dogs are rowdy.
Then that's when he can come out and mention the "cool dog class" he heard about ...where they use treats, games and rewards for learning new behaviours. Maybe it's something they can do together :P
Personally I preferred the direct route. Honesty is always the best policy. If he can be compassionate in his delivery... a little honey goes a long way!
happy-houndz.blogspot.com cheers, kate
Easiest way to bring it up:
Ask, "How do you want me to handle this?" If the dog's owner doesn't do anything, or doesn' suggest anything, then you have a place to start suggesting that the behavior's not OK. If the owner was waiting for someone to help them train the dogs (after all, how many dogs misbehave towards their owners on a consistent basis?) with other people, now they've found that you're in their camp and you can become an ally against the canines instead of a troublemaker with them.
In my case, I have a relatively well-behaved but very dumb male who jumps on people -- never me, but usually women. He was abused, and that's how he got attention from puppyhood through two years of age. It's proving to be a hard habit to break because each new person is an individual case, and I can't break it for them. I can reward him for good behavior and I can correct bad behaviors, but ultimately, it's the guest who has to put him in his place and not me, because he's picked up that he can get away with certain things when I'm not in the room.
A similar problem exists with my girl dog and crotch-sniffing. I hate it. She knows better than to do it with me. But she challenges everyone (including me -- she's a ridgeback!), because not everyone will stop her. I try to instruct people on how to handle her before they meet her, but not all of them are willing to help with the training.
I know that I have a few friends who don't like how my dogs act -- but I wish they could be my allies in training them instead of the dogs' silent co-conspirators!
The Katzke Dog Blog
I have given books, videos and 1 time a class
My sister rescued a dog too and Hope is very badly behaved. I gave her Dr. Dunbars book and loaned her a video.... One of my students has a terribly behaved dog - I gave her a gift cert for a beginners class ( I knew the trainer and like her).... and another colleague kept asking me what I did when my dog did this or that - so i gave him 1 of Dr. Dunbars books too. I guess I am a teacher so everyone knows I wouldn't say something just to be mean and I would never insult without offering a solution. My Sisters dog - she took the spikey collar off the trainer at the store had given her and took my recommendation for the gentle leader and Hope can walk without pulling - when she is with me - she doesn't jump or knock people over - but at her own home - my sister is not as consistent at getting her to sit or down as I am.
Everyone should always be honest - but nice. I tell people - turn something you don't like into something you would be proud of.... and keep practicing sit, down, wait, stay......
Mind if I try something?
I agree that honesty is the best policy. You don't need to come on like a bull in china shop, though. If it's bothering me, I'll say, "Mind if I try something with your dog? I'm curious to see if this technique I learned will stop him from XX." This assumes you would never try a negative technique on a dog (can you imagine some jerk alpha rolling your dog???). I'm not that great a trainer but can usually get a dog to do simple things like sit or down or stay or no jumping in a few minutes. I repeat it a few times to make sure it's working and tell the owner to just keep repeating it. I then say, "Now you try it." Generally they will and don't take offense at the little intervention that just happened because you're offering information in a non-judgmental way that's not condescending. IME, offering people books is a non-starter. If they're not curious enough about how to address their dog's problems, they're really not going to crack a book or even buy into the fact that they need to. Showing somebody how to do something is worth a thousand words.