WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
Love is a term that is often kicked around when it comes to our canine companions. Many pet owners believe that if every whim of their dog is not catered to, then their dog will not love them, perhaps will even shun them.
With love must come respect. Stop now and close your eyes and visualize someone that you love and it is quite certain that you also respect them. This is a major problem with many dogs today; the person loves them but may inadvertently disrespect them. On the other hand (or paw), many of these dogs lack respect for people mainly because they have not been shown guidelines.
We know this to be true because when working with unruly dogs, dogs who snap and growl at anyone who removes them from their favorite corner of the couch. We see that when guidelines are put in place, and a little bit of work is done, these dogs become less stressed and consequently become lovely family members.
So what does love have to do with training your dog? Very little. What is important when you are training your dog is clarity, guidelines, kindness, patience…lots of things, but love isn’t the key to success for training.
So, what do we need for success? Clarity and consistency need to be shown to our dogs. Very simply, there should be praise for what is right and consequences for what is wrong. We are all clear on what praise is, it is a big tasty treat, a hug, a ball thrown, all the things that they like. What is a consequence? It can depend on what your dog did wrong, but it can be as simple as stopping the game if they jump up or no biscuit for no sit. Many people do not like to use the word “no” when dealing with their dogs, but it just might be the tone that turns them off, or even the negative intent. Saying “no” as a training word is not necessarily nasty, if said in a tone that does not instill any fear. You can substitute the word “no” for a sharp “aah” if it helps. Having a marker to help your dog understand that what they are doing at the time is wrong, only allows for more communication. If my dog is approaching a sandwich sitting on my coffee table, my nice little “no” will stop them in their tracks, no yelling, just said calmly and clearly. Why would this word stop them when said in this manner? It is due to their past consequences. If they had continued to step closer to the sandwich, I would have shooed them away and they would not have enjoyed a tasty morsel of it. I would have consistently paired a calm “no” with my dog not getting the object and soon it becomes its own indicator. It indicates that nothing is coming.
If I had let them get the sandwich in the past, perhaps because I was busy or it was inconvenient for me to address the issue, they would probably not stop when I said no. Consequences to their incorrect behavior should never be abusive. You should not yell, hit or jerk your dog. Find a consequence that is calm, yet gets your point across.
Dogs need clarity, they need guidelines. You will find that adding consistency will make your dog much happier. Remember that most dogs like to please us and if they know exactly how, and are rewarded for doing so, they will be more likely to repeat this behavior. It is important to note that dogs should also be rewarded for doing the correct behavior consistently, even if we don’t ask for it. If you dog usually jumps up on you while you are on the couch and you say no and praise when he sits, make sure you praise double when he runs over to the couch and in mid leap just sits there. This is when many people don’t praise. What a shame. This is where loving your dog has little to do with his upbringing.
People are quite concerned that if they do not show their dog their perception of love, that their pet will not show them love back. This means that dogs are frequently picked up, constantly cuddled, talked to in baby language, and most often, allowed to have their own way. For some dogs this is fine and the dog is a great family member, but for many dogs, those that see a way to take advantage of the situation, it can be disastrous. It can cause a decrease in respect from your dog which can lead to problems such as excessive barking, pulling or growling just to name a few. In some cases it can even lead to separation anxiety. Notice that part of the name is “anxiety”. In a nut shell, this is the inability to cope with being alone. The dog is not comfortable and lacks self-confidence. This can be genetic but is mostly a condition that could have been avoided. Some people love the dogs so much that doing what is best for the dog to alleviate this condition is too stressful for them and deep down the pet guardian may have a genuine urge to keep their dogs needy. This is quite sad. This is where love is not enough, where you need to do what is best for your dog, even if your own heart hurts a bit in the process. The end result is a wonderful, normal relationship based on trust and understanding.
On many occasions when speaking to our clients they find that setting guidelines for their pet is almost impossible. People who lead people in high power jobs, those who have no difficulty setting guidelines for their own children, crumble when it comes to having Sparky get off the couch because someone needs his spot. They love their dog.
Just a few days ago we received an email from a client with a lot of dog issues. She told us she loved her dog and would do anything to help it, that she had tried everything and nothing had worked. When it was suggested that she attend our Focus First class, that ran in a 9 pm time slot, she replied saying that was too late for her. She loved her dog, but the time was inconvenient. We have to take a moment again, to reflect on the reality that love wont accomplish our goals.
Tough love is becoming a common term and is being used quite often for teenagers in trouble. The teenagers that have been given a free ride, with no responsibility and have not been taught any respect for others, often get a rude awakening when they enter the real world. They rebel and the results can be devastating for the family. Tough love is put into action. This is where guidelines are enforced. It would have been easier to raise the child with the guidelines. This same principle can be applied to raising a dog. No matter what age you get your dog, or the circumstances that they came to share your home, guidelines and consistency will help the pair of you become a cohesive unit. Love now has new meaning.
Recently a woman called me with a 10-month Border Collie cross. This dog was doing all the dog behaviors that annoy people – barking, chewing, jumping up, do I need to go on? This seemed to me to be clear cut and not too difficult for her if she knew what to do. We discussed his breed and exercise and the fact that 10 months is a hard age, he was like a teenager, testing all her limits. She had brought him home because he was cute and then proceeded to raise him with no structure. This was partially because she loved him and couldn’t bear the fact that he might not love her back and partially because she didn’t have the information she needed to raise him. While on the phone she told me how guilty she felt because this dog was a nuisance and she didn’t even like him anymore and it was all her fault. Quite a statement. We all have days like that but this client was overwhelmed by this situation. After our conversation she was back on track and had more information and was ready to start that day to re-raise her dog. All was good. Again, love wasn’t enough for her. She needed guidance.
Later on that day another call came into my office from a friend of mine. Her beloved dog Maddie had just been hit by a car and killed. This news hit me very hard. My friend lived alone with her dog and they shared everything. Maddie accompanied her to the office daily and was loved by everyone. After hanging up the phone, I sat there to re-assess my day. It was filled with calls about unruly dogs, dogs that are barking too much, dogs growling at people and dogs that simply wouldn’t listen.
Why do we do it?
Whats love got to do with it…..everything.
